As the train leaves the station the excel sheets that I’ve been working on and all the various financial models that have been usurping my mind-space start to fade to the back of my mind. Hazy pictures of the contents of my fridge and the undone abacus homework of my dear child, begin to form clearer images. The train journey home is literally my transition point from office-goer  to home-maker.

As I look back at the ten years of my career, I feel pride in the success and recognition that I’ve been blessed with. I stand at the threshold of the prime 5 years of an individual’s career – year11 to year 15. They are referred to as the slog years, the make or break big time of one’s journey in the corporate world. I also stand at the threshold of my son’s academic foundation – year 6 to year 10. I stand also at the threshold of an important time in a ten year old marriage. Juggle, juggle – don’t drop any balls – all too precious.

The recognition at work has had this effect on me – I’ve become emotional about my work and clinical about home. A part of me wants to soar into the corporate world, a part of me wants to stay grounded to home. A fourteen hours work routine, including two and half hours of commute, six hours of sleep and four hours of home time, is pretty skewed. The four hours of home time grab another hour or two for conference calls and reports that were needed yesterday.

Increasingly I’ve begun to question my work and home imbalance. On my train journeys home I often think, my workplace could replace me effortlessly, but could my family or my friends? I question myself, am I really ambitious? What is it that really thrills me about my work – is it the ability to solve problems, is it the ability to identify potential issues, is it the opportunity to utilize my potential, is it the recognition of work well done? My work certainly does add dollops of brownie points to my sense of self worth and security about my ability to earn a living. Work is workship, right?

My mother was a home maker. She was there at the door each day, when we came back from school, college and even work – waiting to hear our download on the day’s breaking news and trivia. She would absorb the ups and downs of our day – offering advice and cheers as appropriate. I am the last one to get home, on most days. There is some frenzied cooking and some frenzied teaching which follows. I’m losing out on the absorbing bit. I know we cant have it all. I wish I could add a few hours more in a day!!

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
Slave to humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me – Alicia Keys – Superwoman

Cheers,

T