It’s been a long two months. The vacant look in mum’s eyes is slowly giving way to a twinkle – very slowly but surely.

 I suppose letting go of 40 years of togetherness is a tall order for anyone. When she reached Mumbai and I saw her, my whole being froze up. A forehead sans the familiar vermillion and the mangalsutra gone, her appearance gave a fresh life to my ebbing pain. As she cried in my arms and I soothed her gently, I could not help but grieve myself for the man who had strived to hold the smile on our lips intact.

 Every conversation was peppered with what dad would have done and how he would have reacted and what he would have said and how he would have laughed. Sometimes it made us both cry and sometimes it made us both laugh and we were both bound by a loss perhaps time would take long to heal.

 My mum is currently cross with God. She feels cheated and abandoned. She believes she should moan. She believes she will bring bad luck wherever she goes. She does not want to be part of any celebrations – she believes she should punish herself by staying away from all things fun. She also generally believes that she is all set to die and pass on to be with him.

 Sometimes we talk about her I-will-die-soon theory. That’s been her pet rumination, ever since she and dad were in the road accident in 2003. She would always express her concern of about what would happen to dad, if she passed away, who would take care of him. Those conversations would always end with me volunteering to take care of dad in case she died. Then one day, as I called her first thing as I reached office(that’s my habit), she told me I wish I die first - it would be terribly lonely for your dad to be alone.

 And so her wish came true and she struggles with the acceptance. She often stares at his picture for long hours with stained eyes. I let her grieve. Its important for us to grieve as much as it important for us to move on. Its important to make peace with that event and then move on. The tears are as important as the smiles. They leave us with all the flavours of life.

As I write this, my mum is planning her trip to UK, to spend some time with my sister there. Her season of acceptance has begun, and as the rains dry up and the sun smiles, I hope amma finds her peace…

Cheers,

T